Friday 17 February 2012

Just Something I'm Working On


I don’t have the heart to write anymore, isn’t that sad? To know that writing, the one thing you love and want to do with the rest of your life involves too much emotion – sad to think that by limiting our own or someone else’s exposure to hurt it can actually backfire; not help them deal with emotion but help them to avoid it. Writing has become too raw for me. That, and I’ve lost my reason to write. My love of God is the only thing that inspires me to write now other than the man boy I lost. He used to say I was the music in him, if that is so then; he is the writer in me. Too late though, isn’t it, he’s not him and I’m not me. I was always meant to realise too late, perhaps because I’m never meant to be a writer. I can never write anything exciting about other relationships, when I picture my future it's not crystal clear the way it was with him, no matter how hard I try. They mean a lot to me, but they’re not quite enough. I wish I could bring myself to blame him but I can’t because I know that somewhere back along it was my fault, it always is, but blaming yourself for hurt only makes it harder to expose yourself to it; harder to expose myself to my inspiration because if it’s my fault then I’m in control. I only believed in human love when it was with him but, don’t pity me, I still have God; what do you have?

3 comments:

  1. that's sad.... but to stop wrting is injustice to yourself and others who love your blog.... i just want to say ... take care and do write grl ...

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  2. ... no writeup since long ?

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  3. Came through this in my random spree of reading... Maybe it's just a writer's block? Over the last two years, considering this was your last post, I believe things would have changed. Nobody becomes a writer in life because of someone else. It is very much an inherent property of the individual. It's true that the inspiration, topics etc come from wide spread sources, relationships, nature and so on. But ultimately, what you write is what you feel and as long as you feel, you can write. When things hurt, you need considerable time to get over the numbness and write again. But you still can.

    I wish to share a lil excerpt from my blog: Listening to this soothing song, I sat down and wrote a few pages in my diary. Not more than about what life had shown in yet another of its days. Thoughtless, emotionless and barely routine, like set asail upon a silent sea…

    It was Listening, the diary… For once later, years and probably miles ahead from where I am now, the pages will cast upon what I was at a point of time or what I aspired to be at that point and what I am now… These fill our lives, my friends… The little gap between aspiration and acquisition, the gap between anger and despair, the gap between happiness and sorrow… And thou may fill in many more…

    And when you decide that these pages are worth being read, being shared, you put them to the eyes of the others around you. If they like it, they call you a writer. But do you realize that you were a writer long ago? You were! Only that you never accepted, you never believed. Can you feel, at least something’s along this little ride called life? Then you can portray! Because feeling is everything! Only that some may sound better to yours, but you have your own place. Because you are one of a very few who understands that you can feel…

    I hope this restores some kind of belief. I started writing coz of her. But later I realized that I always had it in me. All she did was inspire it. After she left, I had to find that inspiration in something else. I did and I still do. We've all come a long way, battling for these 4 days of life. It took 2 days getting here and the rest 2 days are left. Don't blame yourself. Don't blame anyone.

    You have your own place. Because you are one of a very few who understands that you can feel…

    Good luck. God Speed! :)

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